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insomnia

salam, hai.

i am experiencing insomnia for the past few days.
i might be grumpy.
especially when i'm sleepy.
sorry dear friends. i might hurt your heart.
i'll try to be happy even when i'm sleepy.

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back from hiatus


salam and hello to my friends.

i know some of my friends from fb are reading my post here. thank you so much. but few weeks ago i'm on hiatus for few reasons.

1. no internet connection in my room anymore,
2. my beloved ayah passed away.

but here, i'm going to tell you the chronology of knowing the fact that my ayah no longer exists in this world.

last picture of his, 27th February. before his heart attack.

it was a beautiful sunday. 27th february. i'm waiting for this sunday because i want to go home on the next friday. i went to my driving class. after my turn driving so badly and being scolded so badly that day, suddenly my eldest sister called me and she told me, my father is in critical condition at terengganu. i'm still fine after i hung up. but then i looked at adilah and i told her bout my father's condition, suddenly, the tears fell down non stop. my instructor rushed to send me back to my room and offered to send to sri putri, so that i can go to terengganu. i'm clueless. do i have to go there? or do i have to stay here? or i have to go home? i think it's been the first time i cried in the public after i turned twenty. then i decided to stay at my hostel cause my sister didn't say anything bout going home. few hours later, i called my mom and asked her how's my father's condition. she said he's fine, only his blood pressure was too low, they'll come back as soon as my father's condition stable. i prayed hard, hoping i could see him again once i got back home the next weekend.

the next day, 28th february. my siblings decided to go to terengganu after dawn with my aunt. i woke up early to get ready for afternoon's test. and i sent few sms'es to my closest friends. i need their help, their doas so that my father will get better soon. after i finished sending them sms, suddenly my sister called me, crying. please, please, please, don't give me bad news. but it happened. he left us. Allah loves him more. i cried, no, i wailed. after few minutes, i sms back my friends giving them the bad news. my closest friend calling me crying, they're crying, i'm crying. but what moved me the most, my best friend ida, as soon as i told her, she ponteng from her class. cannot go. and she volunteered to send me home. many takziahs msgs coming in. but i couldn't say anything. only replying thank you. some of them calling, asking me whether i'm ok. i'm not. i cried again. then stop. my ex called. he asked me the same question. i cried again. done talking to him, ida came. she's crying. i cried again. i cried so many times before i headed back to KL.

all the way to KL, i didn't cry much. but when i reached home, i became clueless.i didn't salam any of my guests, i didn't help anyone in the kitchen. my hands were trembling and shaking. i went straight to my room. my sisters still crying that time. it must be very hard for her. she sees ayah everyday. knowing that he won't be there anymore, it's just sad. i sat with ida all the time. ngaji together and did everything together.

many guests came after office hours, most of them are his colleagues. his friends some of them crying. his siblings especially his sisters are crying. i have to stay strong. the moment when van jenazah in front of our house, i held ida's hand tight. i'm scared. reality is scary. my aunt told me to get my mother first as soon she gets out from the car. at first she's okay, once she sees us, she cried. and so we started crying again. as soon as they put the the jenazah on bed, and they revealed his face, daddy's no longer opened his eyes. his lips blue. his face cleaner than ever. they put on eyeliner on him. what makes me even sadder, he lied on my bed. when he's alive, he loves to sleep on my bed than on his bed. i started crying when i remembered that. when it's my turn to kiss him for the last time, i want to refuse coz i can't stop crying. but knowing i won't get any chance to kiss him anymore, i kissed him on the cheek, his forehead for the last time. its cold. makes me realize. he won't be here with us anymore. when he's office's tea lady and cleaner came, they cried harder. that makes me realize, ayah had so many people loves him, however, Allah loves him more than all of the people in this world loves him.

after maghrib prayer, we performed solat jenazah and lucky us, we can buried him nearby our house. everything goes well. alhamdulillah. no difficulties or whatsoever. funny story happened there also. for every single thing we missed that day, maybe there's hikmah behind it. al-fatihah to my beloved father. i love u, i promised myself to take care of you everyday.



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